nasty cockroach

so i walked into my bathroom last night at about twelve and when i flipped on the light something in the sink caught my eye. i jumped back, automatically assuming it was a giant man eating spider that was about to kill me, but when i looked again i saw that it was only a very very large cockroach and it was stuck in the sink, it couldnt get enough traction to climb up the edges so it was just sliding around in there. so trapped and defenseless i killed it, and threw away everything on my sink that it touched. the end.

songs that give me chills

i should start by saying i get the goose bumps extremely easily for almost no reason at all sometimes and something about music gives me chills even easier than other things and these are all songs i can think of that at some point when listening to them gave me chills:

forever young-the youth group
rerezzed legacy-the glitch mob
nuvole bianche-ludovico einaudi
skinny love-bon iver
many taylor swift songs-yes im a man and also not ashamed
warp 1.9-the bloody beetroots 
mandolin moon-sister hazel
cult logic-mike snow
lime tree-trevor hall
cosmic love-florence and the machine
home-edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros
falling-bassnectar
back against the wall-cage the elephant
satelite-guster
pursuit of happiness-kid cudi (steve aoki remix) 
song we sang away-low vs diamond
moth's wings-passion pit
something good can work-two door cinema club
lasso-pheonix
dr dog-heart it races
walking far from home-iron & wine
ghosts n stuff-deadmau5
dr. p-sweet shop
pyro-kings of leon
pretty much any mumford and sons song
one day-matisyahu
im shipping up to boston-dropkick murphys
lots of the avett brothers songs

thats about all i can think of now but there are many many more, trust me.

poetry project pictures

 i was just looking at my blog and realized i hadnt done any paints in a while so i decided to put these up, theye were pictures that i made to go along with the poems but i dont think you want to see the poems because theyre pretty bad so im just utting this part up :)

...spacebar...

i just realized its like,

  

and i have at least twenty of them in my house, thats awesome.

or maybe its more like a spacebar as in a metal bar but made of outer space? that would probably make me less money but it would be a lot more awesome.

Dream blog number four

It started out playing soccer on a weird island soccer field. There were six goals and I was being forced to stand in the middle and do nothing, next thing I know there are stairs that go down into the ground and a small girl standing on them. She looked like a smaller version of a who from the grinch (movie) and she told us to follow her. So me and a friend of mine and a guy I guess I made up because I don't know him outside of my dreams follow the little who child to an abandoned orphanage. It was a tropical place that looked like a mix between Italy and somewhere in brazil. So me and my two friends start to live in a tall tower in the orphanage. One day after living there a while the who girl reappeared out of nowhere and we were surprised. We followed her to the bottom of the tower and trough stone arches, on the other side there was an open hallway and at the end we saw the grinch come out of a door with some who women, however the grinch was blue and wearing a night gown. He saw us too and the women chased us back up to the top of the tower. When we made it to he top a normal human girl came in and killed my two friends. I begged her not to kill me and she said she would have mercy. The next thing I know I'm in the ocean in some type of cocoon and my friends are with me again and we can breathe underwater. There was a lighting storm and we decided we'd sneak back into the orphanage. So we go back into our tower and close the windows so they won't know were there. The orphanage isn't abandoned anymore and all the children are whos and a mean who woman is in charge. Me my two friends and now my girlfriend begin to do chores as if we are part of the orphanage, trickin them to give us food. We eventually begin to think they suspect us. I was hiding in the room where te fridge was one day and I hear something on the stairs in that room. I look around the corner and see an old who standing there twitching with sparks coming out of his back. The woman comes and takes a large battery out of his back. Turns out this is a robot who orphanage so we are even more afraid and we go back and hide in the tower and one of my friends battery dies. We were robots too and while we thought we were tricking them we realize they knew the whole time and then I wake up.

this dog is not retarded.

unlike the last dog i blogged about, i have nothing negative to say about this dog. i can only point out that it has spaghetti noodles on its face which is unfortunate, but considering the situation i think this dog is handling it well by trying to eat the noodles. no one wants a wasteful dog, i think we may need to worry about the owner of the dog  though, who would think to put noodles on their dogs face and take a picture. its either brilliant or just wrong. if the owner did this with the intent of taking an awesome picture, mad props, but if he just did it because he likes to put different kinds of food on little fido's face, thats not cool. wasting perfectly good noodles like that would be awful and i hope thats not the case.

things that give me chills #1

 

i found this video on stumble upon (best site ever) and i felt like blogging about it because it shows that we're all people and it doesnt matter what someone looks like or where they live, they can be just like me but  just born in a different world. its cliche but it makes me think of the phrase dont judge a book by its cover. i mean what can be worse than a nazi, but the guy the trumpet player talks about was scared and missed his family just like he did.

had to switch computers the other ones freakin out

so i was just minding my own business, blogging on the computer when it decided to tell me i didnt have a firewall up and i was at an extremely high risk for getting a virus. but its wrong because im pretty sure it does have a firewall up but i guess i was at a risk to get a virus because im almost positive it was one..thats not cool making your virus look like its my antivirus software. its like cheating because i know for a fact my mom would have clicked on it, which would probably have made my computer melt or turn into a decepticon and kill her so whoever made that virus that looks like an antivirus, get a life and a girlfriend or something so you dont have to sit around and make clever viruses all the time because now i cant use my computer and the one im using right now is having a space bar issue and its not appreciated. thanks, i hate you, bye.

these things, i want some.

does that not look fun? its like wheelchairs for your feet, and its awesome. theyre called chariot skates and theyre basically your normal skates on roids. apparently it feels more like skiing than skating and you can skate on grass if you feel like it. i watched a video and the guy just flys by everyone walking like hes better than them, because he is better than them. he has chariot skates. if i had these bad boys i would never walk again. one problem though, i could see myself having many painful face plants often. i may be wrong but it doesnt look like theres anything to keep you from falling forward if you get off balance but despite the potential risks i would still buy some if it they were for sale, which unfortunately they arent.

spider of DOOOOM!

i am a fully grown man and this creature turns me into a small girl-child. i always thought it was a spider until i just decided to blog about them and now i find out theyre actually camel crickets and im a little less terrified but not much. now that i looked at a picture of it i see it doesnt really even look like a spider but i never stayed around one long enough to notice when i came across one in my garage, or god forbid my bathroom. im usually running for the nearest chemical that i can spray on it or a shoe to smash it with (i prefer things i can spray from a distance that cause instant death, clorox works great.) im blogging about this now because my garage has apparently been infested overnight. this morning i walked out the door and was immediately attacked. one jumped directly onto my pants and i did the dance. you know the dance im talking about. i wont go into detail, but it worked and the evil demon spider cricket was thrown off of my pants and under the car. i went back inside, picked up the clorox, and got mr. clean on his.. i walked away with the adrenaline pumping and -2 years off my life, but thankful for my schools dress code for once. i cant even imagine what i would have done if i had been wearing shorts. and like that wasnt enough terror for one day there was one on the wall when i went to take the trash out, it was about four feet up. my first instinct was something to spray of course but i didnt want to mess up to the wall because that would get me in trouble. so with no other options i gave it the old high-kick, instant death to satan bug. i win.

rock beats paper. most of the time.

the reason ive always been told paper beats rock is because it covers the rock, but that doesn't make sense. if its sunny outside the paper will give my rock shade from the heat, if its raining then the paper keeps my rock dry. that sounds a lot like my rock wins. if my rock is indoors your paper is just a minor inconvenience if it covers my rock, but if my rock is on your paper (as seen on right) its instant death for your paper. with all this said, i can think of a few situations where paper can beat rock. if its really windy i guess your paper could be blown in my rocks face and i could see that as not being positive for my rock. the other place paper beats rock is in a movie theater, not watching a movie at home, it has to be an actual theater that my rock and i paid to get into. the second requirement is that the movie must be playing. in this situation my rock wouldn't be able to see the movie we paid to see so obviously paper would win.

drawing things on paint with my eyes closed.

you might notice while reading my blogs that sometimes i like to spice up the blog a bit with some pictures from paint, and one day i was stumbling across the internet when i found a competitions to see who could draw the best batman on paint, with their eyes closed. i thought they were all pretty bad so i decided id try and it looked nothing like batman. so now, while im on this blogging spree, im going to try to draw some stuff with my eyes closed and see how it turns out.

1. dragon

what i drew

 

2. beaver

what i drew

 

3. BATMAN

what i drew

what i imagined

dream blog number three

(1)

(2)

first thing i remember i was in the woods behind my house at night and a very scary man in a black hood (the evil version of me) came out of nowhere (1). it was obviously terrifying so i ran inside. that night my whole family slept in the bonus room on the second floor of my house. my dad paced back and forth throwing pebbles all night with a spotlight following him. thats the last thing i remember after that until i was hunting my evil opposite with my girlfriends mom...i dont understand either...while we were hunting him we discovered he was one of my best friends, josh. finally we trapped him in a house in the middle of a giant field and i was going after him with a broom handle in one hand and a smaller broom handle in the other hand (2). i ran around the back and my girfriends mom ran into the front and chased him out the back. i subdued him with my broom sticks and we took him back to the car, and decided to take him to jail instead of killing him. on the way drove past his mom crying on the side of the road, them we saw her again, looking exactly the same way we passed her in the first time. so i felt bad and we stopped let josh go to his mother.

tastiness of cereal

so my brother was eating some golden grahams last night and he sent me this picture he drew of his tastiness of golden grahams chart. it couldn't be more accurate and it works with all cereal, not just golden grahams. his point was that there's a very short amount of time where cereal is at maximum tastiness, the perfect combination of crunchy and soggy. this time usually lasts less than a minute, if your lucky. so this is a real problem if you cant eat an entire bowl of cereal in 45 seconds. you could always pour a teeny bit of cereal then wait for i to get perfect and eat it then pour a little more, but that doesn't sound fun at all. the only solution i can think of if you want to eat maximum cereal at maximum tastiness is to buy chex because they're tastiest when soggy but not really soggy. so while there is still a window, it is a larger window opposed to the peephole window of golden grahams.

hey, i think your dog might be retarded

Actually i'm almost positive it is. maybe someone held it under water for just an hour or two too long when they were giving it a "bath", not trying to kill it (they were trying to kill it), just because they were tired of it being so ugly. seeing as dogs cant breathe underwater i think those seven or eight brain cells it had before are gone now. you cant blame them though, no one can be happy about owning this dog. the website i found it on seems to think its cute...no, its not. i guess its possible that it'll grow into that eye one day, you see the one that doesn't look forward? yep, i'm talking about both of them, but i have a weird feeling there's no hope for this little guy. the next question i have is how you're supposed to walk it when it its arms look like that. i know its a picture and they might not always be like that, but when i look at its face i'm pretty sure at least one is stuck that way. that means you cant walk it, but if you really want to pretend like you have a real dog tie a string to the leg thats stuck, turn around, and drag it until you feel happy again.

dream blog number two

(1)

(2)

I had a crazy dream last night, check it...All the senior guys at my school got called into our dean, mathis', office because we had been too rowdy.
his office was a mcdonalds. after we left there we went to target with dr sherrill, our schools superintendent, to excersise our new good behavior but we were just crazier. we were climbing all over the shelves and a guy in my class named jesse was singing scremo over the targets p.a. system and me and my friend derek, who doesnt go to my school, somehow got tied up by chains in the basement and there was water that would electracute us if we tried to get down(1) but i got down somehow and left derek. we came back a few days later and got him down. the next part i remember was shooting crows in my soccer field but i was facing away from them with the gun over my shoulder shooting behind me. it was very difficult so i accidentally hit a rainbow owl that looked a lot like a penguin(2) but it didnt die, it just fell and walked away but my mother still yelled at me. and there was something about a bus in a foreign country somewhere in there. thats all

i thought of some more things i dislike.

i dislike fat people in front of me in drive throughs, i got behind a fatty and her friend and a child one time at bojangles and the two of them at least 4 minutes to order their food. finally i got to order my food and when i came around the corner they were passing the second giant bag of food out of the window. i wanted to run up there and snatch the child away to save his life. i dislike when theres a big brow stain on the outside, just the outside, of my white shorts and my family laughs really loud at me in olive garden then tells me its not that bad. i dislike when i make a cake and because i love my family and want to make them a fun cake to eat, mixed blue and red food coloring in the icing to make it purple and everyone yelled at me and said it was going to be gross. i disslike when i get sunburn in some spots on my face and not in others. i dislike being car sick and all other kinds of sick. i disslike trees falling on or near me. i disslike hitting butterflies with my car.

pennies are weird

you know what im saying. i understand their purpose but i just dont like them. you can have hundreds of pennies and have barely enough money to buy a bagel. as a matter of fact i despise all change. they should at least make them out of rubber so that they can bounce and then they'd be fun to disguise their pointlessness. i guess its only a matter of time until all cash gets replaced by debit cards or maybe not because old people hide it in their mattresses and dont use debit cards because they are deeply confused by technology, which is a problem of its own. i wonder if i will be confused like that when im old too but i plan on being the cool grandpa so probably not. i wont be so cool that i drive a young person car though because thats just trying too hard. ill have a buick like every old person should drive and it will be some shade of tan.

rock paper scissors

where did it come from? im pretty sure its been around forever. in my head i can see fancy english people playing it in 1702 to decide who gets to eat the last crumpet, but im pretty sure thats just in my head.
why were rock paper and scissors choosen as my only possible weapons? i can think of so many more fun combination like dragon, emp bomb and laser cannon. anyway, whoever created this game is a genius, even if they could have made it more exciting. everyone has an equal chance to win, even though some people are tools and think they have the perfect winning strategy, there isnt one. thats what makes rock paper scissors the best way to settle a dispute that has ever been thought of.

yay for anti joke

A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

 

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red paint. 

 

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.

 

How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

 

what did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
we are both lawyers

 

 A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because its a duck.

 

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

 

A man walks into a bar. Except it was a metal bar, like a pole. So he got hurt.

 

hey anti joke, i like you. you make me laugh with your funniness but some of your anti jokes arent funny. thats not cool. the ones i picked up there are funny, more of those, less things that dont make me laugh. k?

 http://anti-joke.com/

 

money is gross

have you ever gotten one of those incredibly nasty dollar bills that probably has twelve different diseases and four different bodily fulids on it? i know you have and i have too. it just ruins your day when a cashier give you one of these and i feel like i cant ask for another because they probably have a couple poisoned bills in reserve that look clean so they make you happy but then you find out you have aids the next week. not a pleasant suprise, and that dollar you made them change out probably wasnt actually very dirty, it just looked like it. like the holy grail in indiana jones, it doesnt look like a winner but it was. if you had turned it over you would have discovered that the other side was a one million dollar bill and you switched your million dollars for aids. thats not a fair trade, so never trade money back to a cashier because this is real or maybe not, im just kinda typing what comes into my thoughts

jajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajaja

staplers. theyre very useful for holding pages of paper togerther, but not too many pieces at once. this would cause a problem because they just get smashed on your paper adn no one wants that to happen to a perfectly good. some people staple their skin but theyre weird. super weird. the only reason i would put staples in my skin is if someone made me do it and my only other option was death. staples in your skin is much better than death. after all, if they killed you they could staple your skin all they want and you wouldnt know because you would be dead. its possible that i would put a staple through a sticky note then stick it to me and make everyone believe i was one of those really weird people only to show them i was being a joker.

shuffle, oh magical shuffle.

 so today i was driving to lunch with my friend zach and i had my ipod on shuffle, so random songs being chosen out of 2514 a lot of which are from my phases of bad rap, and some hard rock music that tries to  make me hurt myself. when those songs come on they get skipped which is a real chore while im driving because the fm transmitter i have is awful and it only works in one spot, which is about 5 inches out of my reach when im in my driving position. this is why i usually just leave it on playlists, but theres a problem with my playlists and thats that i have a hard time remembering which songs out of the 2514 i want to put on them. so i just decided to try out full shuffle and i hit some shuffle gold. i listed the songs that my ipod chose below. i only had to skip two of 24 and the 22 were songs i like a lot and i had forgotten about some, so it just made me happy...

1.  avett brothers - colorshow
2. matt costa - behind the moon
3. the weepies - wish i could forget
4. jeff buckley - hallelujah
5. kings of leon - slow night
6. skrubz - rythem
7. counting crows - round here
8. pink floyd - party sequence
9. akon - mr. lonley (not in the mood, skipped it)
10. major lazer - pon de floor
11. wyclef jean - if i was president
12. kings of leon - charmer
13. brian mcknight - the only one for me (skipped it)
14. shannon mcarthur - side to side
15. grateful dead - shakedown street
16. trevor hall - under the blanket
17. rusted root - lost in a crowed
18. iron and wine - walking far from home
19. joshua radin - what if you
20. the arcade fire - wake up
21. coldplay - yellow
22. jack johnson - never know (one of the few jack johnson songs i actually like)
23. mumford & sons - the cave
24. dr. dog - heart it races

whats the meaning of life

i dont know, whats the meaning of chocolate, or lizards that change colors, or all the gross stuff down in my keyboard, or paper weights, or giraffes and ugly dogs, or music that sucks or kids with red hair, or peas (peas are gross), or pizzas that smell good but taste funny, or objects made out of wood, or chester drawers, or trees that dont have limbs on the bottom, or chairs that swivel, or anything that swivels, or ink pens, or punctuation in writing or thousand island salad dressing, or that s in island, or cooked vegetables, or funny looking clouds, or lint that gets stuck to me, or pillow cases, or cars with more than three wheels, or paper clips, or hair dye, or jungle cats, or salt water, or mice.

i fix.

thats a serious bubble, even if a human could blow a bubble that big with their mouth i would be impressed. other than that i have some  problems with this comic. problem number one, theres only 1 reindeer, everyone knows that one reindeer cant pull the weight of santas sleigh, i mean comon thats rediculous. problem two, santas sleigh is not green, its red. attention to detail is crucial to comic strips so i give this comic a D- because of problems i have pointed out. i cant laugh even if the words were funny so...

i fix. 

facebook is like jail

this is funny. theres no other way to describe it. it makes so much sense while making no sense at all, so its a winner. i found it on stumbleupon. i love stumbleupon, i love it more than a lot of things i own. i love it more than the pillow i have that pokes me with the tips of the little feathers, but is still really comfortable. i love it more than my garage door opener. i love it more than the scratchy towel, and even one of the soft towels i sometimes use to dry off after showering. i love it more than the keyboard im typing on right now. i love it more than burger king, which i dont love very much at all so its not a big deal. i love it more than the back left speaker in my car than rattles when music plays on it. i love it more than my favorite pen that i lost. i love it more than someone i dont talk to very much, or maybe the same amount. i love it more than my first cat which was probably satan but it ran away so its fine. i love it more than people that want to hurt me. i love it more than a reindeer shaped cookie cutter. i love it more than a very large bullfrog. i love it more than any show that comes on abc family, except for americas funniest home video of course. i love it more than the small bush with thorns thats outside my house. i love it more than socks that match. i love it more than pickles and anything that is pickled. i love it more than cinnamon toast crunch. and finally i love it more than gardening and apple orchards that dont produce many apples.

black list.

1. "lol"
2. brendan fraser
3. short hair on women
4. peas
5. movies with dwayne johnson
6. people who wear camouflage in public places
7. competitive eaters
8. when someone repeats something more than twice
9. sticky keyboards
10. hair in my food
11. people who turn things that have no business being a competition into a competition
12. large family portraits
13. the grammar police
14. short door frames
15. big sunglasses
16. target employees that steal my wallet
17. fat cats
18. trucks that are lifted more than 3 inches
19. tools
20. astro vans

i need something fun to collect

i used to collect figures of frogs when i was a child, then i collected playing cards and i usually lost a good amount of the stack almost instantly because i liked throwing them more than collecting them. all that stuff got boring after a while and now i feel i might want to collect things again, i just dont know what to collect. it has to be something cheap because i dont have a lot of money to spend on random things that dont really matter. i could collect stamps, but then id be a freak and people wouldnt like me anymore. i could collect coins but i think id run into the same problem as stamps. what im going to collect will be awesome and free, but theres a lot of awesome things that are free. i need to get more specific, like self portraits of strangers made of playdoh or maybe just any sculpture made of playdoh. i could collect everything and put all of it in my garage but then i might lose things in there that i need, like my cat. if my cat got lost in my clutter collection it would die and smell weird and ruin my collection. so i cant do that. maybe staplers but probably not. ive just thought of something that would make a great collection, pictures of midgets drawn by old people. i dont know about collecting them but i would defiantly like to see them. i would just choose any old people though, theyed have to be crazy for starters, because theyd think the midgets were crazy things like leprechauns or ghosts so their drawing would be better.