these things, i want some.

does that not look fun? its like wheelchairs for your feet, and its awesome. theyre called chariot skates and theyre basically your normal skates on roids. apparently it feels more like skiing than skating and you can skate on grass if you feel like it. i watched a video and the guy just flys by everyone walking like hes better than them, because he is better than them. he has chariot skates. if i had these bad boys i would never walk again. one problem though, i could see myself having many painful face plants often. i may be wrong but it doesnt look like theres anything to keep you from falling forward if you get off balance but despite the potential risks i would still buy some if it they were for sale, which unfortunately they arent.

spider of DOOOOM!

i am a fully grown man and this creature turns me into a small girl-child. i always thought it was a spider until i just decided to blog about them and now i find out theyre actually camel crickets and im a little less terrified but not much. now that i looked at a picture of it i see it doesnt really even look like a spider but i never stayed around one long enough to notice when i came across one in my garage, or god forbid my bathroom. im usually running for the nearest chemical that i can spray on it or a shoe to smash it with (i prefer things i can spray from a distance that cause instant death, clorox works great.) im blogging about this now because my garage has apparently been infested overnight. this morning i walked out the door and was immediately attacked. one jumped directly onto my pants and i did the dance. you know the dance im talking about. i wont go into detail, but it worked and the evil demon spider cricket was thrown off of my pants and under the car. i went back inside, picked up the clorox, and got mr. clean on his.. i walked away with the adrenaline pumping and -2 years off my life, but thankful for my schools dress code for once. i cant even imagine what i would have done if i had been wearing shorts. and like that wasnt enough terror for one day there was one on the wall when i went to take the trash out, it was about four feet up. my first instinct was something to spray of course but i didnt want to mess up to the wall because that would get me in trouble. so with no other options i gave it the old high-kick, instant death to satan bug. i win.

rock beats paper. most of the time.

the reason ive always been told paper beats rock is because it covers the rock, but that doesn't make sense. if its sunny outside the paper will give my rock shade from the heat, if its raining then the paper keeps my rock dry. that sounds a lot like my rock wins. if my rock is indoors your paper is just a minor inconvenience if it covers my rock, but if my rock is on your paper (as seen on right) its instant death for your paper. with all this said, i can think of a few situations where paper can beat rock. if its really windy i guess your paper could be blown in my rocks face and i could see that as not being positive for my rock. the other place paper beats rock is in a movie theater, not watching a movie at home, it has to be an actual theater that my rock and i paid to get into. the second requirement is that the movie must be playing. in this situation my rock wouldn't be able to see the movie we paid to see so obviously paper would win.

drawing things on paint with my eyes closed.

you might notice while reading my blogs that sometimes i like to spice up the blog a bit with some pictures from paint, and one day i was stumbling across the internet when i found a competitions to see who could draw the best batman on paint, with their eyes closed. i thought they were all pretty bad so i decided id try and it looked nothing like batman. so now, while im on this blogging spree, im going to try to draw some stuff with my eyes closed and see how it turns out.

1. dragon

what i drew

 

2. beaver

what i drew

 

3. BATMAN

what i drew

what i imagined

dream blog number three

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first thing i remember i was in the woods behind my house at night and a very scary man in a black hood (the evil version of me) came out of nowhere (1). it was obviously terrifying so i ran inside. that night my whole family slept in the bonus room on the second floor of my house. my dad paced back and forth throwing pebbles all night with a spotlight following him. thats the last thing i remember after that until i was hunting my evil opposite with my girlfriends mom...i dont understand either...while we were hunting him we discovered he was one of my best friends, josh. finally we trapped him in a house in the middle of a giant field and i was going after him with a broom handle in one hand and a smaller broom handle in the other hand (2). i ran around the back and my girfriends mom ran into the front and chased him out the back. i subdued him with my broom sticks and we took him back to the car, and decided to take him to jail instead of killing him. on the way drove past his mom crying on the side of the road, them we saw her again, looking exactly the same way we passed her in the first time. so i felt bad and we stopped let josh go to his mother.

tastiness of cereal

so my brother was eating some golden grahams last night and he sent me this picture he drew of his tastiness of golden grahams chart. it couldn't be more accurate and it works with all cereal, not just golden grahams. his point was that there's a very short amount of time where cereal is at maximum tastiness, the perfect combination of crunchy and soggy. this time usually lasts less than a minute, if your lucky. so this is a real problem if you cant eat an entire bowl of cereal in 45 seconds. you could always pour a teeny bit of cereal then wait for i to get perfect and eat it then pour a little more, but that doesn't sound fun at all. the only solution i can think of if you want to eat maximum cereal at maximum tastiness is to buy chex because they're tastiest when soggy but not really soggy. so while there is still a window, it is a larger window opposed to the peephole window of golden grahams.

hey, i think your dog might be retarded

Actually i'm almost positive it is. maybe someone held it under water for just an hour or two too long when they were giving it a "bath", not trying to kill it (they were trying to kill it), just because they were tired of it being so ugly. seeing as dogs cant breathe underwater i think those seven or eight brain cells it had before are gone now. you cant blame them though, no one can be happy about owning this dog. the website i found it on seems to think its cute...no, its not. i guess its possible that it'll grow into that eye one day, you see the one that doesn't look forward? yep, i'm talking about both of them, but i have a weird feeling there's no hope for this little guy. the next question i have is how you're supposed to walk it when it its arms look like that. i know its a picture and they might not always be like that, but when i look at its face i'm pretty sure at least one is stuck that way. that means you cant walk it, but if you really want to pretend like you have a real dog tie a string to the leg thats stuck, turn around, and drag it until you feel happy again.

dream blog number two

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I had a crazy dream last night, check it...All the senior guys at my school got called into our dean, mathis', office because we had been too rowdy.
his office was a mcdonalds. after we left there we went to target with dr sherrill, our schools superintendent, to excersise our new good behavior but we were just crazier. we were climbing all over the shelves and a guy in my class named jesse was singing scremo over the targets p.a. system and me and my friend derek, who doesnt go to my school, somehow got tied up by chains in the basement and there was water that would electracute us if we tried to get down(1) but i got down somehow and left derek. we came back a few days later and got him down. the next part i remember was shooting crows in my soccer field but i was facing away from them with the gun over my shoulder shooting behind me. it was very difficult so i accidentally hit a rainbow owl that looked a lot like a penguin(2) but it didnt die, it just fell and walked away but my mother still yelled at me. and there was something about a bus in a foreign country somewhere in there. thats all

i thought of some more things i dislike.

i dislike fat people in front of me in drive throughs, i got behind a fatty and her friend and a child one time at bojangles and the two of them at least 4 minutes to order their food. finally i got to order my food and when i came around the corner they were passing the second giant bag of food out of the window. i wanted to run up there and snatch the child away to save his life. i dislike when theres a big brow stain on the outside, just the outside, of my white shorts and my family laughs really loud at me in olive garden then tells me its not that bad. i dislike when i make a cake and because i love my family and want to make them a fun cake to eat, mixed blue and red food coloring in the icing to make it purple and everyone yelled at me and said it was going to be gross. i disslike when i get sunburn in some spots on my face and not in others. i dislike being car sick and all other kinds of sick. i disslike trees falling on or near me. i disslike hitting butterflies with my car.

pennies are weird

you know what im saying. i understand their purpose but i just dont like them. you can have hundreds of pennies and have barely enough money to buy a bagel. as a matter of fact i despise all change. they should at least make them out of rubber so that they can bounce and then they'd be fun to disguise their pointlessness. i guess its only a matter of time until all cash gets replaced by debit cards or maybe not because old people hide it in their mattresses and dont use debit cards because they are deeply confused by technology, which is a problem of its own. i wonder if i will be confused like that when im old too but i plan on being the cool grandpa so probably not. i wont be so cool that i drive a young person car though because thats just trying too hard. ill have a buick like every old person should drive and it will be some shade of tan.