rock paper scissors

where did it come from? im pretty sure its been around forever. in my head i can see fancy english people playing it in 1702 to decide who gets to eat the last crumpet, but im pretty sure thats just in my head.
why were rock paper and scissors choosen as my only possible weapons? i can think of so many more fun combination like dragon, emp bomb and laser cannon. anyway, whoever created this game is a genius, even if they could have made it more exciting. everyone has an equal chance to win, even though some people are tools and think they have the perfect winning strategy, there isnt one. thats what makes rock paper scissors the best way to settle a dispute that has ever been thought of.

yay for anti joke

A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

 

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red paint. 

 

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.

 

How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

 

what did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
we are both lawyers

 

 A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because its a duck.

 

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

 

A man walks into a bar. Except it was a metal bar, like a pole. So he got hurt.

 

hey anti joke, i like you. you make me laugh with your funniness but some of your anti jokes arent funny. thats not cool. the ones i picked up there are funny, more of those, less things that dont make me laugh. k?

 http://anti-joke.com/

 

money is gross

have you ever gotten one of those incredibly nasty dollar bills that probably has twelve different diseases and four different bodily fulids on it? i know you have and i have too. it just ruins your day when a cashier give you one of these and i feel like i cant ask for another because they probably have a couple poisoned bills in reserve that look clean so they make you happy but then you find out you have aids the next week. not a pleasant suprise, and that dollar you made them change out probably wasnt actually very dirty, it just looked like it. like the holy grail in indiana jones, it doesnt look like a winner but it was. if you had turned it over you would have discovered that the other side was a one million dollar bill and you switched your million dollars for aids. thats not a fair trade, so never trade money back to a cashier because this is real or maybe not, im just kinda typing what comes into my thoughts

jajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajaja

staplers. theyre very useful for holding pages of paper togerther, but not too many pieces at once. this would cause a problem because they just get smashed on your paper adn no one wants that to happen to a perfectly good. some people staple their skin but theyre weird. super weird. the only reason i would put staples in my skin is if someone made me do it and my only other option was death. staples in your skin is much better than death. after all, if they killed you they could staple your skin all they want and you wouldnt know because you would be dead. its possible that i would put a staple through a sticky note then stick it to me and make everyone believe i was one of those really weird people only to show them i was being a joker.

shuffle, oh magical shuffle.

 so today i was driving to lunch with my friend zach and i had my ipod on shuffle, so random songs being chosen out of 2514 a lot of which are from my phases of bad rap, and some hard rock music that tries to  make me hurt myself. when those songs come on they get skipped which is a real chore while im driving because the fm transmitter i have is awful and it only works in one spot, which is about 5 inches out of my reach when im in my driving position. this is why i usually just leave it on playlists, but theres a problem with my playlists and thats that i have a hard time remembering which songs out of the 2514 i want to put on them. so i just decided to try out full shuffle and i hit some shuffle gold. i listed the songs that my ipod chose below. i only had to skip two of 24 and the 22 were songs i like a lot and i had forgotten about some, so it just made me happy...

1.  avett brothers - colorshow
2. matt costa - behind the moon
3. the weepies - wish i could forget
4. jeff buckley - hallelujah
5. kings of leon - slow night
6. skrubz - rythem
7. counting crows - round here
8. pink floyd - party sequence
9. akon - mr. lonley (not in the mood, skipped it)
10. major lazer - pon de floor
11. wyclef jean - if i was president
12. kings of leon - charmer
13. brian mcknight - the only one for me (skipped it)
14. shannon mcarthur - side to side
15. grateful dead - shakedown street
16. trevor hall - under the blanket
17. rusted root - lost in a crowed
18. iron and wine - walking far from home
19. joshua radin - what if you
20. the arcade fire - wake up
21. coldplay - yellow
22. jack johnson - never know (one of the few jack johnson songs i actually like)
23. mumford & sons - the cave
24. dr. dog - heart it races

whats the meaning of life

i dont know, whats the meaning of chocolate, or lizards that change colors, or all the gross stuff down in my keyboard, or paper weights, or giraffes and ugly dogs, or music that sucks or kids with red hair, or peas (peas are gross), or pizzas that smell good but taste funny, or objects made out of wood, or chester drawers, or trees that dont have limbs on the bottom, or chairs that swivel, or anything that swivels, or ink pens, or punctuation in writing or thousand island salad dressing, or that s in island, or cooked vegetables, or funny looking clouds, or lint that gets stuck to me, or pillow cases, or cars with more than three wheels, or paper clips, or hair dye, or jungle cats, or salt water, or mice.

i fix.

thats a serious bubble, even if a human could blow a bubble that big with their mouth i would be impressed. other than that i have some  problems with this comic. problem number one, theres only 1 reindeer, everyone knows that one reindeer cant pull the weight of santas sleigh, i mean comon thats rediculous. problem two, santas sleigh is not green, its red. attention to detail is crucial to comic strips so i give this comic a D- because of problems i have pointed out. i cant laugh even if the words were funny so...

i fix. 

facebook is like jail

this is funny. theres no other way to describe it. it makes so much sense while making no sense at all, so its a winner. i found it on stumbleupon. i love stumbleupon, i love it more than a lot of things i own. i love it more than the pillow i have that pokes me with the tips of the little feathers, but is still really comfortable. i love it more than my garage door opener. i love it more than the scratchy towel, and even one of the soft towels i sometimes use to dry off after showering. i love it more than the keyboard im typing on right now. i love it more than burger king, which i dont love very much at all so its not a big deal. i love it more than the back left speaker in my car than rattles when music plays on it. i love it more than my favorite pen that i lost. i love it more than someone i dont talk to very much, or maybe the same amount. i love it more than my first cat which was probably satan but it ran away so its fine. i love it more than people that want to hurt me. i love it more than a reindeer shaped cookie cutter. i love it more than a very large bullfrog. i love it more than any show that comes on abc family, except for americas funniest home video of course. i love it more than the small bush with thorns thats outside my house. i love it more than socks that match. i love it more than pickles and anything that is pickled. i love it more than cinnamon toast crunch. and finally i love it more than gardening and apple orchards that dont produce many apples.

black list.

1. "lol"
2. brendan fraser
3. short hair on women
4. peas
5. movies with dwayne johnson
6. people who wear camouflage in public places
7. competitive eaters
8. when someone repeats something more than twice
9. sticky keyboards
10. hair in my food
11. people who turn things that have no business being a competition into a competition
12. large family portraits
13. the grammar police
14. short door frames
15. big sunglasses
16. target employees that steal my wallet
17. fat cats
18. trucks that are lifted more than 3 inches
19. tools
20. astro vans

i need something fun to collect

i used to collect figures of frogs when i was a child, then i collected playing cards and i usually lost a good amount of the stack almost instantly because i liked throwing them more than collecting them. all that stuff got boring after a while and now i feel i might want to collect things again, i just dont know what to collect. it has to be something cheap because i dont have a lot of money to spend on random things that dont really matter. i could collect stamps, but then id be a freak and people wouldnt like me anymore. i could collect coins but i think id run into the same problem as stamps. what im going to collect will be awesome and free, but theres a lot of awesome things that are free. i need to get more specific, like self portraits of strangers made of playdoh or maybe just any sculpture made of playdoh. i could collect everything and put all of it in my garage but then i might lose things in there that i need, like my cat. if my cat got lost in my clutter collection it would die and smell weird and ruin my collection. so i cant do that. maybe staplers but probably not. ive just thought of something that would make a great collection, pictures of midgets drawn by old people. i dont know about collecting them but i would defiantly like to see them. i would just choose any old people though, theyed have to be crazy for starters, because theyd think the midgets were crazy things like leprechauns or ghosts so their drawing would be better.